Not Today

The trenchcoat hung long over Sam’s arms, falling close to his fingertips and trailing close to his ankles. Otherwise, it was tight on his person, making him look barrel-chested in spite of his slight build. He was quietly grateful for the layers as he stood on the cliffs alone with the nippy wind snapping at his face.

He had been coming there to that same spot nearly every week for almost a year. He would pack an overnight bag and drive from his home on Sandfield Park in Ennis, all the way down to the Moher Cliffs. On reaching, he would park his car out on the grass, walk over near the rock and stare out at the sky unmarred by any false light, where he could see every star and constellation and feel the clean, cold wind rush through his lungs and fill him with that strange euphoria that it had brought him all his life.  He would spend the night gazing at the sky and the day standing on the cliff, staring out at the sea and stone towers. And every time, he would pack his things and go back home with the same refrain in his mind.

Not today.

He cursed his fears that clashed so strongly with his desires, leaving him in a constant state of conflict. The wind blew circles around him, clasping him and releasing him in loving embraces, pulling him closer and closer to the edge. It sang in his ears and in his heart, calling to him to just let go and feel, feel like he was born to for once in his life.

Thirty years you have held back, the wind would whisper to him. Now just let go.

But he never did.

He always made it to the very edge, his shoes teetering half off the brink, when he would pause. He would think of his mother who loved him, but smiled at him like he was a wild animal rearing to bite; his father who enlisted multiple private doctors, none of whom had been able to cure him. He would remember his sister, who cared for him, but preferred to keep her own family away. He had enough friends to count on one hand and a girl whom he loved with all his heart. She thought it odd, but strangely endearing that he wore heavy coats all the time.

But today, it was different.

His mother had cried. His father had bellowed. His sister had walked away. His friends had forgotten him.

And Anise was getting married.

Monster. Freak. Not my son. I have no brother. Goodbye, Sam.

He raised his eyes to the pale heavens, feeling the sky’s song well up heavy in his heart. The world would not hold him back. Not today, not ever again. For once in his life, he needed to be real.

He undid the belt of his trenchcoat and shrugged it off his person, letting it fall to the grass. Methodically, he popped the buttons of his oxford shirt and peeled it off his shoulders, leaving his thin torso naked to the cold wind. From his back, a pair of bronze wings unfurled and glistened in the light like twin suns. Their tips rose high above his head, the muscles in them stretching from their constant bondage, basking in their freedom. The wind’s song grew louder, rustling through his feathers and beckoning him.

      Come to us, it called. Fly with us. We will love you as you should be loved. As you should always be loved.

      Sam listened. And Sam jumped.